Self-Sabotage: We Have Met The Enemy....And It Is Us

Have you ever gotten to a point in your weight loss journey when things are chugging along nicely, you’ve passed a few important goals and should be coming down the stretch for your ideal weight in the not too distant future? And then suddenly you revert back to the behavior that got you into this mess in the first place. Frustrated at your seeming inability to close the deal – yet again! – you throw in the towel and go back to living a life well beneath your capabilities. Why does this keep happening? Why aren’t you proceeding toward your goal anymore instead of backing away from it? Don’t you want to accomplish this more than practically any other thing in your life right now?

"...and please help me stop chasing my tail. Amen."
Photo: snuzzy

Anybody who’s ever fallen into self-sabotage mode will tell you, usually through tears and not for the first time, that getting fit is what they really, really want. And yet every time they get close to their goal, they fall apart. You have all the information and resources that you need but you just can’t seem to finish what you started. How can you really want (or need!) to do something so desperately and yet get in the way of your own progress just when things are going well?

Getting your head and your body on the same page is not as easy as it sounds. There are daunting statistics about how few people really succeed at losing weight so clearly, getting your whole body geared up for the same mission is vital and not something a lot of us have mastered.

If you’re like me and have Googled “self-sabotage” (that’s a lousy picture of me, too, by the way), you probably wound up with a real mish-mash of information. There are a lot of lead-ins to products people are trying to sell you: hypnosis, past life regressions, dealing with addictions, seminars that “will change your life”, and so on. Some of the articles skim the topic but for me, I needed to find something that dug deeper. I know I do this and I need to learn WHY if I’m ever going to navigate my way through this successfully. Telling me I fear failure or fear success is only scratching the surface. I have a hunch there are a few more layers to it than that.

I bought a great book entitled, Fattitudes, by Jeffrey Wilbert and Norean Wilbert, and if anyone else is struggling to overcome self-sabotaging behavior, then this might be the book that will shed some light as to why you do what you do. The emotional baggage many of us carry but haven’t truly faced and resolved seems to be at the heart of this self-sabotaging behavior. We’ve been given all kinds of reasons why we should lose weight but could there actually be a part of our subconscious that thinks the status quo is just fine, thank you very much? As crazy as it sounds, could there possibly be a payoff for staying fat?

Think about it: If we start succeeding, will those closest to us resent us for it and start to distance themselves from us? Could we live a fulfilling life without our closest friends and families – even though they don’t have our best interests at heart, as evidenced by their reaction to your success? Or are we afraid that if we succeed on such a grand scale, more will be required of us and maybe, just maybe, we feel we don’t really have what it takes to keep up that kind of pace? Or have we failed as this fitness thing so often that we’re afraid this latest effort will simply be another notch in the loser belt? We keep insisting that we want to change our lives but what other things we will be inviting into our lives when we do change? Better the devil you know than the one you don’t.

These reasons for your behavior are not going to be crystal clear and easily accessible – you’re going to have to dig for them. There are a lot of questions you need to ask yourself and answer honestly. And then you have to take those answers and look at them with fresh eyes to figure out why you have been blocking your own success. Everyone’s story and background are different but what seems to be a common denominator for emotional eaters is that for some reason you made others and their feelings and expectations of you trump your own and you have carried that into your adult life. You have adapted your station in life to where they think you belong. You may have grown up in chaotic, neglectful or abusive circumstances and adapted a certain way of coping in order to deal with your situation. Overeating may well have become one of those coping mechanisms instead of you developing healthier, more basic ways of dealing. This book offers some wonderfully illuminating examples of why people do what they do in terms of pursuing weight loss. Maybe you’ll read about someone with a very similar experience to yours: the emotional eating, the self-worth issues, the people-pleasing behaviors. And hopefully you’ll figure out how all those experiences got mixed up into undermining our best selves.

The second part of the book offers suggestions of how to right this wrongheadedness through a series of questionnaires and exercises. It tries to help dissect your issues and teach you how to accept the ideas of worthiness and deserving and self-care such that they will fit more comfortably in your vocabulary from now on. Yogi Berra was right (even if he was referring to baseball – it still applies here): This game is “ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.”

Do any of you feel that you’re self-sabotaging your efforts to get fit? Why do you think that is and what are you doing to try to correct it?

On blogging, self-discovery, strength, body image, and all that Kumbayaa stuff

Lisa Folino, "Nana was always a strong woman"

It would happen that Crabby decided to take a Crabbatical just as I'd figured this Blogger template out and quit cutting off my own posts right in the middle. *heavy sigh*

The biggest compliment I ever got as a blogger was not the invitation to have my work appear in a book. It wasn't the time my sister, who's an actual published author, and my dad, who's a *way* actual published author, complimented what I wrote.

It was the time Crabby sent me a tentative email that started, "So...uh...listen, I know you're really busy and stuff, but would you maybe consider sort of, you know, posting on Cranky Fitness? As a co-blogger? If you don't, that's okay, no problem, but, you know..."

At the time, I had just started writing about weight loss and fitness under my own nom de 'Net at Wednesday Whine (now on hold; soon to be restarted). I had been working with Attila for about two and a half years, and had made considerable progress in terms of strength and conditioning. I was a regular reader of Charlotte's blog, MizFit's blog, and many others.

But I wasn't ready, in any sense of the word, to start blogging about fitness. I mean, like, *seriously*. After all, I was still kind of a lump: twenty pounds overweight, not the sort of lean, mean, cranky machine that Crabby is. Plus, I still hated myself for being fat and lumpy. Role model? Keep looking.

In other words, my mental fitness was about ten years behind my physical fitness, and it was not catching up with repeated workouts.

Attila asked me once how long it had been since I'd looked in the mirror and been happy. I honestly couldn't tell her. No matter how hard a workout I'd managed to finish, or how much I'd been able to lift, I still saw nothing but lumps and flab and imperfection.

Boy, I thought to myself, isn't *that* a pathetic commentary on Miss Fitness Blogger?

Things changed, though, without my even really noticing. Posting about Attila's torture sessions and having bloggers I respected shoot back with "Jeebus Grits, that's HARDCORE!" made me realize how much I'd really accomplished in the last (now three) years. Posting about body image issues and what to eat and what to wear showed me that other people have the same problems--even people I look up to. Reading new-to-me blogs gave me perspective on just how stinkin' fortunate I am.

I looked up in surprise the other day to find that I really, really like my shoulders. I like my legs a lot. My lats are pretty freakin' fantastic. I can look in the mirror without wincing. The mental fitness is catching up to the physical fitness, finally.

And that is entirely due to you guys. Crabby built one of the healthiest (in every sense of the word), most supportive, most intelligent communities on the Web with this blog. You all have been accepting of one another, respectful in disagreements, encouraging in hard times, and celebratory in good ones. You're smart, funny, and goofy as hell when it's called for.

You have, in short, made me a better blogger--and a more confident, more concentrated person.

Thank you.

(We will return to the usual round of Dammit, I Want A Cupcake and You Guys Will Not Believe What Attila Made Me Do Today posts later this week. Thanks for your patience.)

Cranky Fitness: It's Been a Blast, Folks

Photo: Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton

So at the end of this month, I'm afraid we're going to call it quits at Cranky Fitness.

Jo and Gigi still have very fine blogs of their own, so be sure to pop over to Chunky Monkey Mama or Head Nurse or perhaps the Wednesday Whine to see what they're up to. And don't forget to check in with our other beloved Cranky Emeritus, Merry, who blogs at Sheesh.

But as much as I've enjoyed hanging out at Cranky Fitness for the last few years, I've decided I'm ready to retire from the blogosphere.

So what's the deal with that? And what happens next? Well, since I haven't done a blog interview in a while, perhaps I'll interview myself to get some answers to these and other Frequently Asked Totally Made Up Questions.

So Crabby, why are you quitting?

Two main reasons: 1. An unexpected job opportunity came up; and 2. I'm finding it harder and harder to do a decent job of blogging anymore, which is making it less fun. There are plenty of things I can be lame at that pay actual money; blogging has to be about the Fun.

After several years of writing posts, I find I'm really struggling to say anything new. Lately I've been making the same points and the same jokes over and over. I've been putting up increasingly crappy posts that I don't enjoy reading myself. I used to be willing to take a clunky, unfunny draft and rewrite it a bunch of times until it was better--now I just say the hell with it and post it anyway.

But How Can You Just Quit? Won't You Miss Us?

Oh God Yes!!

This is the hardest thing about giving up the blog. I love this community of bloggers, readers, and commenters. (And of course my awesome cobloggers, past and present). The Cranky Community is the reason I've been hanging on to the blog for as long as I have. If you could all just write the posts for me? We'd be set.

I've always thought the best thing about Cranky Fitness was the comments. You folks are witty, honest, perceptive, deep, diplomatic, unpredictable, and sometimes you just plain blow me away. Many of you have become true friends over the years, and it's really, really hard to think of not "hearing" your thoughts and opinons every day.

Will you still be around the internet, reading our blogs and commenting and tweeting? Or are you going to turn into a hermit-crab and just disappear?

I'll probably take an internet break for a while, but I'll pop up sooner or later. I may be in lurk mode for a while before I start commenting again. And I'm not sure what I want to do about Twitter. I suspect I'll let it lapse, then come back in few months full of silly stuff to say and craving an audience. Twitter may be perfect for that. So, um, please don't Unfollow me yet!

So does this mean there won't be a "Cranky Fitness" anymore after February?

Actually, there will still be a Cranky Fitness. After a bit of a break, I plan to come back and organize things so it's less like a blog a more like a health and fitness resource. I'm also hoping to occasionally post new content, or at least let you know what I'm up to. But there won't be regular weekday blog posts anymore.

The goal will be to make Cranky Fitness more accessible by topic, because there's a crapload of information in the archives that many newer readers may have missed and older readers may have forgotten. (You know how you are.) Got a question about the nutritional benefits of pistachios, or wonder what you should do if you're caught outdoors in a thunderstorm? Well, we got answers, but right now they're pretty impossible to find.

So if you guys aren't quitting until the end of the month, why are you telling us this now? Why not just slip off gracefully in a final post? Like, are we supposed to say goodbye now? But then you'll be back posting again for a few more weeks and won't it all seem a little awkward?

Yeah, it's a little weird. But I'm lousy at keeping secrets, and I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of a one-post goodbye, even though it makes for a classier exit. This blog has meant too much to me to just pop in one day and say "bye, it's over!"

As to when to say good bye; anytime is good! I always read comments that come in, so you can stop by now or later. Or you can even go back to a 2 year old post about fish oil and bid us farewell there.

This is one of the hardest decisions I've ever made... I will totally miss hanging with you all at this weird little blog that's come to mean so much to me.

No lie: Cranky Fitness readers are better than chocolate cake.

Photo: Plan 59

I had this great idea for a post, but then I got a cold.

Not just any cold, but a lay-you-flat-on-your-back, aches-and-chills cold. It was the sort of cold that hits hard, lasts for three or four days, and leaves you with unpleasant memories of sinus bleeds and unimaginable mucus production.

From the time I was a little kid, I've never been able to get sick like normal people. Instead of just strep throat, I end up with scarlet fever (senior year in college). Instead of a stomach virus, I get something nasty that makes the doctor wince (age 14). And instead of a nice, boring, take-some-Dayquil-cold, I ended up with the same thing that flattened two of my coworkers and made me want to die.

This morning, though, I felt better. Not good enough to work out with Attila, but good enough to work out. And that got me thinking about what's good to do when you have allergies, or your tummy is tempermental, or you have The Cold From Hell.

Please bear in mind that, although I am a medical professional, I am not the person you should be listening to on life-or-death matters. If you have chest congestion, body aches, fever, or weeping sores, please stay in bed. If you're not in that category, and the cart with the guys yelling "Bring Out Yer Dead!" hasn't stopped by your house in a while, keep reading.

Things to do when you have a cold:

1. Walk.

This is one of the few times that I would recommend dressing for the weather and getting outside at midday, when it's warmest (in winter) or early in the morning, when it's coolest (in summer). A nice, gentle walk of a mile or so will do wonders for your mood, your circulation, and will loosen up all that junk that's been sitting in your head for two days.

2. Drink.

No, seriously. The whole point of cold medications is to make you more comfortable. Unfortunately, the active ingredient in over-the-counter cough medicine hasn't been shown to be any more effective than a placebo, and it can have nasty side effects. Plus, the usual cold medicine contains stuff that can raise your blood pressure, damage your liver, and make you hallucinate. I'm a big fan of the old-fashioned hot toddy: One part cheap-ass whiskey to one part honey and a dash of lemon juice, all mixed up in very hot water. Take that with your Sudafed and ibuprofen and you'll sleep all night.

Just please don't mix acetaminophen with alcohol, as I don't want to see you in my CCU.

3. Yoga.

No sh*t: Yoga, while challenging at times, can sort of realign your whizznits and make your zoombahs work better. At least, that's what I found during this latest bout of Snotball Express. Downward Dog isn't the best position to hold for more than ten seconds at a time, but yoga in general will make you feel *so* much better.

4. Hot water bottles.

Can't live without mine. It's better than a cat for warming your feet and getting rid of that "I want my Mommy" feeling. Buy one from the drugstore, wrap it in a pillowcase after you fill it with nearly-boiling water, and stick it at the end of your bed. Your tootsies will thank you. Note that this is also a useful device to have around when you lift too much or strain a shoulder muscle.

5. Good nutrition.

There are times when any calorie is a good calorie, and times when every calorie should count. Having a cold or sinus infection is one of the latter times. I suggest low-sodium chicken broth, spiced up with garlic and poblano peppers, lots of good-quality fruit, and a multivitamin. When you can't smell anything, you're less likely to eat, so getting all your daily allowances of vitamins is doubly important. Lemon or orange juice in water soothes a sore throat and cuts the crud, and hot chocolate--in addition to being tasty--can give you needed calcium. I'm partial to acidic fruit like pinapple, kiwi, and oranges, and full-fat dairy in small amounts. Most people can go for days without consuming protein and have no ill effects, but vitamin C and zinc are essential to good immune function. I myself take a zinc supplement, but there's no clinical evidence that it helps with colds: I'm banking on the 30% cure rate of the placebo effect.

Now that I'm feeling better, I'll start working out like a demon again. Attila has promised new tortures for me this week; you'll hear about them for sure. Meanwhile, I'm going to celebrate being able to breathe through my nose and not having to sleep upright.

(It wasn't so much the stuffy nose that bothered me as the sleeping upright in a chair. And it wasn't so much the sleeping sitting up that bothered me as it was the fact that one of the cats took it upon himself to curl up atop my head while I slept. And it really wasn't so much the cat on my head as the fact that he snores something awful.)

Wash your hands and eat your greens, People. And when it happens that you feel okay-but-not-great, do something gentle for yourself. Then have a hot toddy and park yourself in a nice comfy chair. I'll send the cat.

Decadent Desserts on a Healthy Diet?

Photo: chotda

Some people don't have much of a sweet tooth. They can pass up ice cream, pastries, cakes, brownies or other goodies without making a big deal out of it. If one of these people gets mugged by a girl scout on the way out of the supermarket, and somehow ends up with a box of Thin Mints? She can arrive home 10 minutes later without having to explain why half a sleeve of cookies is already missing.

However, a lot of us struggle with this issue. I'm one of those folks who, if I didn't worry about consequences, could happily spend my entire day munching on one sweet thing after another. Well, that's not entirely true--to fully appreciate my desserts, I'd blissfully intersperse them with cheeseburgers, nachos, and deep-fried potato skins.

But much as I'd love to, I don't generally eat like that. I am more likely to eat broccoli and salmon than onion rings and whoopee pies. I have way fewer desserts than I would if all of a sudden the nutrition fairy waved her magic wand and said: "The hell with it, let's just say all food is now created equal. Have whatever you want."

Hey thanks nutrition fairy!
Photo: Sarahnaut

However, in the real world (as opposed to the world of television commercials and benevolent nutrition fairies) it is generally understood that eating humongous quantities of chocolate chip cookies or lemon meringue pie or mocha almond fudge ice cream is a bad idea.

So what's the best way to balance the desire for good health with the nearly orgasmic happiness a delicious dessert can bring?

Well, the secret is... there is no one best way. All those diet and self-help books that that say there is? They're wrong. Everyone's different; the trick is to figure out which is your "best way."

Here are some possible strategies. Some of them, in my mind, totally suck and are stupid. Yet they all work for someone. The problem comes when you're trying to use a strategy that isn't right for you.

1. The Black and White Rule.

Some people find sugar (or other sweeteners) to be problematic in the same way alcohol is to an alcoholic. Rather than grapple with constant temptation, they find it easier to have a blanket rule: they don't eat sugar or sweet desserts at all. Except maybe just fake ones like a piece of fruit. (And yes, fruit is wonderful, but I maintain that no, it's not dessert.)

Advantages: Black and white rules are simple to apply! This approach works especially well for people who find their sugar cravings diminish when not toyed with all the time.

Disadvantages: No sugar? Acckk!!!! And for some, "all or nothing" type rules encourage rebellion, or lead to guilt and self-destructive behavior when rules are violated.

2. Heaping on the Healthy Ingredients.

There are two components to this strategy: (1) generally filling yourself up with ample quantities of healthy foods, so you're not feeling constantly hungry and don't have a lot of extra room for junky treats; and (2) using healthy ingredients in desserts along with the Evil ones.

For example, many tasty desserts feature fruits and vegetables, like the carrot and apple cupcakes in Simply Recipes, or Leah's banana pudding pie over at The Goat's Lunch Pail.

Advantages: eating more nutritious whole foods is a good way to improve your general health and mood, and keep you from feeling sick, weak, tired, cranky and generally crappy.

Disadvantages. Even desserts with a few healthy ingredients also usually contain loads of sugar, butter, and refined grains. Despite what many natural bakeries imply, these ingredients don't become good for you merely because they are organic or are snuggled up next to a shredded fruit or vegetable. It's not a great idea to eat large quantities of blueberry danish just because blueberries have some lovely antioxidants in them.

3. Portion Police.

This is one of the most common ways of enjoying desserts, but not experiencing the weight gain or other adverse health consequences of massive sugar consumption. Eat desserts in moderation! Don't consume big-ass slices of cake, or multiple scoops of ice cream, or entire packages of lame grocery store cookies. Have one of Geosomin's mini-cupcakes or Roni's mini-apple pies instead!

Advantages: If you can stick to your plan and eat small portions of your favorite treats, you can enjoy them without guilt.

Disadvantages: If you suck at portion control, there is no such thing as a small portion.

4. Special Occasion Exceptions.

This is another portion control method, but focuses more on frequency and less on quantity. Special Occasion people go ahead and have that second slice of chocolate layer cake--but only have cake at all when it's their birthday, or a holiday, or a long-awaited get together with special friends.

Advantages: When desserts are consumed only rarely, they stay "special" and don't worm their way into your daily routine and start sneakily escalating into habit-forming entitlements.

Disadvantages: It's tempting to start celebrating more and more "special occasions" like "I finally got my hair cut day" or "the fifteen week anniversary of my middle child going off to kindergarten," or "Tuesday Afternoon."

5. The Calculator Strategy.

If you count calories or carbs or weight-watcher points, and you're also eating enough nutritious whole foods, you can plan for a decadent dessert by cutting out discretionary calories elsewhere.

Advantages: No guilt! You earned your dessert; enjoy every bite.

Disadvantages: Counting calories or points or carb grams or whatever can be a huge pain in the ass. Also, some people get too focused on the numbers and forget how important it is to include food that's nutritious, not just waist-line friendly.

6. Exercise Erasure.

A rich dessert can be "bought" by an additional calorie expenditure above and beyond what is normal for the day. Say you already went to the gym in the morning, but you're craving a special dessert after dinner--so you put in an additional hour on the Wii or treadmill, then enjoy your treat.

This method can also be used as a deterrent to mindless overindulgence. Knowing how many miles of extra walking or running a double-dip ice cream cone represents can help you rethink that cone unless you're really dying for it.

Advantages: if you have the time, and commit to the exercise before having the treat, it's another no-guilt way to enjoy yourself--plus will pay off with all the health benefits that exercise brings.

Disadvantages: Many people overestimate how many calories they're burning when they exercise, and underestimate how many are in most treats.

7. Low-Cal Convenience Desserts

Some people are great cooks and use the best tasting ingredients they can find so that every dessert is a gourmet treat. (For example, The Bag Lady can show you how to make a perfect pie crust, and she's not afraid to bring on the lard.) Others may sometimes opt for convenient low-calorie treats, so that they can eat them more often with committing to an extra ten mile hike after dinner.

The funny thing about reduced-calorie treats? Everyone has opinions about which ones are delicious and which ones are so hideous they should be outlawed. But rarely do people agree on which is which. One persons "delicious" low-cal chocolate pudding will taste like 100 calories of fertilizer to someone else.

Advantages: if low cal treats taste good to you, you can eat them more often than full calorie desserts.

Disadvantages: if you're eating them instead of a "real" dessert, and they're not satisfying you, they may cause you to consume more calories in the long run, with less satisfaction.

8. The "F-ck It, We're All Going to Die One Day Anyway" Approach.

This may be hard for health and fitness enthusiasts to comprehend, but there are many folks out there who just don't give a crap whether their diet may one day kill them. They choose to eat what they want, in whatever quantities they feel like, and they don't worry much about whether gigantic portions of processed, sugary salty nutritionally bankrupt food with make them obese, give them diabetes, or set them up for a heart attack.

When I find myself mentally tsk-tsk-tsking over the contents of other people's shopping carts at the grocery store, or watching what people order and consume in a restaurant, I have to remind myself that nutritional choices are a lifestyle choice, not a moral one. What's it to me if the guy at the next table finishes his large pepperoni pizza and orders a 2500 calorie cake and ice-cream extravaganza for dessert? Why do I judge him for making different choices than I would, if I don't have to live in his over-stuffed and under-nourished body? It's his body and his choice.

(Not that I plan to stop the tsk-tsking any time soon, but I do know I'm being a judgmental butthead).

What strategies do you use when it comes to desserts? Or are you one of those people who doesn't give them a second thought?

[Note: this is also posted over at Blogher, where you can join us for grueling daily fitness challenges at the 10x Club.]