The fun, the shocking truth, & the philosophy

[By Merry]

Okay, so I had this brief, possibly profound moment of illumination, right?

Merry gets a brilliant idea ... for some reason it's in black-and-white...

And I was going to start off the post with the brilliant insight. But then it occurred to me that some people, not that I'm naming any names because I don't want to get sued because I'm too nice for that, come here to have fun. So methought I would put the fun first, and anyone who still wants to read past that can be enlightened. Deal?

The fun
Over at iVillage, they have a makeover section. Yes, I know there are other makeover sites out there; this one involved real photos, not cartoon graphics, and if you sign up for the free registration you can upload your own photo, play with it, and save the results.

The Shocking Truth
Despite the numerous glam shots of a certain crustacean around a certain Party-town, you might have noticed that I've never posted a photo of myself up here.



Until now.

Yes, this is what I look like when I'm wearing a J-Lo-styled wig that's been dyed blue. And fashionable sunglasses. And a questionable hat. And "diva red" lipstick. (Do I have the pout right? I was trying for 'fashion-model' pout, but it looks to me more like 'two-year-old-past-nap-time' pout.)


The philosophical part

It's fascinating to try to make yourself look like someone else. It's an adult version of dress up. But think about it. Seems to me that at the root of this play lies the evil seed of insecurity.

[Editorial note: Can an evil seed lie at the root of something? For the space of this post, let's presume it can.]

Seems to me that the people who get through life with the maximum of enjoyment and the minimum of angst are people who can accept themselves as they are.

I don’t want people to accept me as fat. I don’t want them to accept me as thin either. But yes, I would like to be accepted. It’s a paradox, not a contradiction.

I’ve had the experience of losing lots of weight and being offended by how people reacted to me. They weren’t repulsed; on the contrary they were overjoyed. I know this because they told me so, repeatedly, over and over again how great I looked, I really looked so much better, they wouldn’t have recognized me, really, trust me here, you look sooooo good.

It was annoying as hell.

They repeated themselves to the point where I felt as if that my weight were the only thing in the world that mattered as far as they were concerned. Personality, ability, humor, willingness to enjoy life – none of that mattered, just how much I weighed. I wanted to say “but I’m still the same person I was before when I was overweight. I haven’t changed.” Kind of the same feeling when you still think of yourself as young, but some wet-behind-the-ears kid calls you “ma’am.” I’m still the same person I was then.



That’s what I want people to accept. Not Fat-Merry or Thin-Merry, but just me. The person.

I’ll start a Movement (the capital letter is important) and call it Merry Acceptance.

Enough philosophy, woman! We want more fun!
Okay, fine.

This site shows you what you would look like if you had a Manga makeover.

Or at least, what a J-Lo'd version of me would look like if mangled into a Manga cartoon.

Or do you prefer yourself the way you are? That would be really cool, so long as it's acceptance and not resignation that prompts your preference.

_______________
Thanks to Jennifer Crusie at ArghInk for the makeover links.
If you want to laugh at Romance Novel clichés, check out her Romance Heroine's Don'ts List.

Scientists: Let's Get Crackin'

[By Crabby]

(Photo by practicalowl)

So Women's Health magazine ran an article recently highlighting some of the "Next Big Things" on the horizon in terms of medical advances. You know, the stuff researchers are busy working away on and they're almost there and any minute now they'll have it all figured out?

And it's a great list, as far as it goes. Make sure to read all about it if you want to see where scientists are in terms of these health breakthroughs:

1. Male Birth Control
2. HIV vaccine
3. Condomless STD Prevention
4. Female Viagra
5. Needle-Free Blood Sugar Test
6. Easier Cancer Treatment

Hint: They ain't quite there yet. So keep your pants on (and we may mean that literally, if you're waiting for numbers 1, 2, or 3).

But since I have slightly different priorities, I'm afraid my personal Breakthrough Wish List wouldn't look much like this one.

For example, is it just me, or does it seem like instead of working so hard to develop female Viagra, they should just take away male Viagra so that older couples are back on the same page again? Then those elderly couples who'd rather watch 60 Minutes most nights could do so again, guilt free.

Because to be honest? All those high-pressure TV commercials with amorous geriatric couples just chomping at the bit to Do the Wild Thang Every Chance They Can Get after 50 years of marriage--well, they're scaring the crap out of me. You don't have to be constantly horny in your Golden Years, do you? Surely that can be optional?

So here's my Viagra-free personal list. Note that I'm also not including stuff like time travel or living forever or becoming invisible or enabling people to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Mine are all reasonable requests, ones that shouldn't be that hard--and some are WAY overdue.

1. Fake Low-Cal Foods That Don't Taste Like Crap and Won't Kill You



I know lots of you wouldn't touch a new Franken-food no matter how tasty it was or how many studies proved it was safe. It's the principle of the thing, right? Natural is always better! (Unless we're talking about our cell-phones or laptops or indoor plumbing).

But me? I don't care if a food is natural or if it's fake as long as it tastes good and won't eventually poison me. I like things that are sweet and greasy and would like to eat many more of them! I'd be perfectly happy eating lots of real, whole, natural foods to meet my nutritional needs--but then afterwards scarfing a bunch of fake no-cal fun food. Cupcakes and ice cream and brownies and cheeseburgers and nachos, hurrah!

The trouble is, the food industry spends way more time trying to sell stuff than actually testing it, and our government doesn't seem to give a rat's ass whether they poison us with carcinogens or not. Plus the fake stuff doesn't actually taste very good.

With all the money they pour into the quest for guilt-free fake food, why aren't they better at it yet?

2. Artificial Cartilage

I'm one of the many Baby Boomers who has trashed her joints through years of pavement-pounding but continues to run anyway. Yet the idea of an eventual knee replacement totally freaks me out. (Just the word "bone saw" is enough to make me want to barf). I've been reading about promising cartilage alternatives for what feels like decades, but where the hell are they already?

C'mon, with all the nano-particles and genetic engineering and other miracle medical inventions, why can't they do fake cartilage yet? I'd SO much rather add some extra cushion to what's there than chop the whole dang thing out.

3. Sunscreen in a Pill.


This has been "just around the corner" for a long time. I won't repeat my sunscreen tirade, but please, please, please hurry up on this one.

4. Instant-Advil


Or Instant-Aspirin or Instant-Tylenol, whatever. I'm a wimp when it comes to any kind of pain, and it just seems like they should have a quicker means than this old fashioned "wait 45 minutes for it to get digested and end up in your bloodstream" business. What if I have killer cramps NOW???

Lets get going with an inhaler or something you put under your tongue or even, God Forbid, a portable injection. I would seriously rather shoot up and hurt for a second or two than wait forever for the damn pills to work.

5. Virtual Colonoscopy

Hey Doc? Get The Hell Away From Me.

These are supposed to be here already. First I read they worked great and then I read maybe they didn't, and then I thought I saw a study that said yeah, they work just fine... but "bottom" line, I've never heard of anyone whose gotten a virtual one yet. Doctors always seem to insist on the real kind.

I'm a few years away from having to do my first one, but I'm already dreading it. I do NOT want to be drugged and then have someone snake a giant scope way up my ass and look all around. There's even supposed to be a kind on the way where you swallow a tiny camera that takes pictures all by itself on the way down. (Though I'm not sure how the retrieval process works... that can't be fun.)

6. But Before Any of The Rest of This Stuff:

How about we throw a few more resources into curing fatal and/or severely disabling diseases? I think it's sad that we have so much money going into developing pills to keep guys erect or creams to make women wrinkle-free or 9 zillion products to make our teeth white, when we still haven't figured out how to cure cancer or MS or AIDS or any number of awful diseases.

I might even trade my sunscreen pill for that.

So what would you guys put on your list of health breakthroughs you're tired of waiting for?

And the Fitness Thingy Goes to...

Jenn (of the tiny hula hoop/gym bunny ring toss). Sorry, other Jenns--of which there were several. As always, we love our commenters and wish everyone could win!

So Jenn, please email at: Crabby McSlacker at gmail dot com to claim your Sportstep! (Note: deadline is Midnight Thursday the 24th, EST.)

Note: I LOVED all the hilarious suggestions on how to use the Pilates Ring!

Stay tuned for this coming Friday's giveaway--there will be TWO winners; one will be randomly chosen and one will earn a prize by SUBMITTING THE MOST AMUSING ENTRY.

More details to come... So sharpen your wits, all you competitive types!

What the hell is a Kettlebell? Sarah Lurie's Workout DVD

[By Merry]A product review? On Cranky Fitness?

Yes, I know. I do product reviews about as often as I say something nice about... well, about pretty much anything. I made an exception in this case because I was intrigued by the name. What the hell is a kettlebell? Something that rings when it's made a pot of tea?

What the hell is a kettlebell?
Turns out it's a hand weight with a luggage handle on top. Cute as the dickens.

Don't knock the power of 'cute'! Hand weights are like people: both are much more likely to get picked up if they're cute. The son of Charlotte (from The Great Fitness Experiment) named her kettlebell 'Tinkerbell'.

What are you supposed to do with it?

Hey, it's a hand weight. You do the math.
(Sorry. I always wanted an excuse to use that expression.)

Okay, in case you're as mathematically challenged as I am, there is help. Sarah Lurie has put together some fitness DVDs showing how to get a workout with a kettlebell. What's really cool is that her DVDs combine working out aerobically with lifting weights. To someone like me, who would rather clean house than lift weights, this idea out-wows sliced bread.

The DVD I was given was called Kettlebell Basics, but Gofit.net has a list of several different DVDs that you can choose from.

Reasons to use a kettleball
1 - It's fun. Doing something different spices up a workout routine, which means I'm more likely to keep exercising.

2 - It's a workout. For several of these exercises, you hold the kettleball with both hands, thus using more muscles than you would with holding a weight in just one hand. Kind of like using a snowboard rather than two separate skis. With a snowboard, you end up using more core muscles because you're desperately trying to stay vertical.

3 - While it's nice to use muscles I wouldn't ordinarily put into play, even nicer is the idea of lifting weights while getting a cardio workout. Sarah Lurie guides you through a series of exercises that have you doing lunges, squats, and such like while raising and lowering the kettlebell. (The handle makes it much easier to swing the weight around than it would be to swing a regular hand weight.)

Things I didn't like so muchTo be completely fair and unbiased, there were a couple things I didn't like.

- Between exercises, the DVD lists key bullet points about form, things to keep in mind. Which would probably be useful if the font weren't so small that I couldn't read the text from 4 feet away.

- One of the exercises involve grasping the kettlebell with both hands, swinging it between my legs and then up to above my shoulders. These people have great faith in my ability not to accidentally lose my grip on the kettlebell and send it flying across the room. [Some manual dexterity is required to use a kettlebell.]


To read another review of Sarah Lurie's Kettlebell Workout DVDs, check out Workout Mommy's blog.

What about you? Have you tried using one of these things before, and if so did you like it?


P.S. My apologies to Nitmos. Here at Cranky Fitness, we are keenly aware of the robust necessity of remaining dynamically sensitive to our readers' needs. However, this is a serious product review, and it would be totally inappropriate to work in any gratuitous Martina Navratilova references. Besides, I could not find any indication that she had ever used this product.

Crabby's Shocking Night Life Revealed

[By Crabby]


It is rare that I write a blog post that is 100% enthusiastic about something.

And don't worry, it's only temporary--still no plans to change the blog's title to "Cheerful Fitness!" anytime soon. Nor do we plan to decorate our blog home with cute kittens, unicorns, or fairy princesses.

(This is more Crabby's style).

But it occurred to me that I have a favorite fitness activity that I've rediscovered, and I've been enjoying it immensely for the past couple months. Remarkably, this activity is (a) healthy and (b) fun and (c) free, so I have to talk about it!

(And no, this is not the healthy, fun, free activity that takes place in the bedroom. You all know about that one already.)

So what is this curious pastime that has me all cheerful and gushy all of a sudden?

Summer Evening After-Dinner Walks.

I LOVE them!!!



Oops, sorry--not sure how that happened! No perky cuteness is allowed at Cranky Fitness.

Anyway, part of my enthusiasm is probably due to the novelty of East Coast summers. Most of my summers had been spent in the San Francisco Bay Area--which means no yucky heat and humidity during the day (hooray!) but also: no warm nights to stroll around in. You can stroll, but, well, you better take a jacket and you're probably not going to have much company.

But now that I'm back east again, how can I justify sitting my ass on the couch and watching t.v. after dinner? It's so lovely outside!

(Damn! How the heck did that thing sneak in? There must be some kind of security breach!)

What was I saying?

Oh right. Summer walks.

As it happens, I'm lucky enough to live in a neighborhood perfectly suited for evening strolls. We're living in a resort town which is (a) scenic; (b) safe; (c) walkable; and (d) full of other enthusiastic evening walkers. Many of them are on vacation and so they're totally drunk off their asses in a very good mood.

Even better--well, this is Provincetown. Mixed among the eccentric evening parade of tourists and locals (we get ALL kinds here) are the paid entertainers, who must circulate energetically in order to sell tickets or earn tips. So we have a multitude of elaborately costumed drag queens; scantily clad male strippers; witty and/or loud-mouthed stand up comedians; earnest folk singers, and even circus burlesque performers, all out showing off and brightening things up.

(And we saw Martina Navratilova the other night, being all smiley and friendly! Tacky hicks that we are, we gawked. I'm not good at the pretend-you-don't notice-the-Famous-Person game. When the Lobster points one out (because I never see them first) I get ridiculously excited).

However, even when I've lived in other East Coast locations with no drag queens or strippers or lesbian tennis icons, I still enjoyed our warm summer evening strolls.

Why do I like them so much?

Well, some reasons are boring and practical: I don't crave dessert like I do when I'm sitting at home, wishing dinner weren't over already. I sleep better. And I burn a few extra calories without it feeling the least bit like a chore.

But I think what really motivates me is that I feel more a part of the physical world, and less like a passive consumer of manufactured, electronic entertainment. And perhaps it's weird, but there's something that feels vaguely transgressive about being outside at night. Maybe because as a kid, I was allowed to run free on summer days, but it was understood that all children had to be home by dark. Or else, unnamed bad things might happen.

So to be outside roaming around at night, even as a grown up? I feel like I'm getting away with something.

Does anyone else like to take after-dinner walks when the weather is good? Seems like there are a million reasons why they might not work for everyone. Kids, jobs, weather, chores, safety concerns...

(Varla Jean)

Oh crap. I give up.

Anyone have any comments for our new blog, Cheerful Fitness?