Cavemen on Exercise Bikes

The experts agree: everyone needs to exercise. Regular readers of Cranky Fitness, feel free at this point to exclaim "Duh!" (Out loud, while at work--why not?) There are about 87,502 reasons why exercise is good for you, or, put another way, why people who don't exercise are totally screwed. And while every little bit of movement helps, more is better. Regular vigorous aerobic exercise (with some anaerobic intervals, strength training, and stretching thrown in too) is what you really need for optimal health.

Yet most people don't do it. Especially not the intense sweaty heavy-breathing kind. Why not? Because for the majority of people, despite what all the cheerful books and magazines and TV programs say about it, it's hard. It doesn't feel good, especially at first.

And Crabby has a theory: this inertia is entirely natural! Humans evolved to conserve our calories, which were hard to come by back when you had to hunt down and kill your protein, and roam the countrysides for miles in order to scrounge up enough carbs to keep from starving. So unless something with sharp teeth and claws was chasing after you at a fast clip, it made no sense to break into a run for no reason. Cavemen and cavewomen did better to sit on their butts and stuff themselves with calories when they got the chance. They would have just laughed at our silly elliptical trainers and exercise bikes! Inertia was their friend.

Now of course many readers of Cranky Fitness just love to do aerobic exercise. They look forward to it! They would still keep doing their triathlons even if all the studies suddenly reversed themselves and started saying whoops, looks like exercise actually causes cancer and heart disease--so sorry, we're afraid we had that backwards all these years! They'd go, oh, that's a shame, and go out for a fifteen mile run the next day anyway.

But there are others of us who must battle our "cavewoman" brains, and break through a stubborn wall of inertia almost every damn time we lace up our running shoes. Even if we actually enjoy our workouts much of the time. We do it anyway, day after day. Hooray for us! But we do it reluctantly nonetheless. It's not inherently appealing in the way a nice mid-day nap is.

So how do those of us who don't "naturally" like to do hard exercise come to find ourselves not only keeping up with it, but sometimes enjoying it? Perhaps this is an oversimplification, but there seem to be two main strategies.

1. Distraction.

Putting a television or a magazine rack in front of a treadmill, listening to books on tape, outlining your next novel, composing symphonies or writing cranky letters to the editor in your head--whatever your method, the idea is simple: Disconnect your brain! It would just be unhappy about what's going on down beneath it anyway, so protect it from the unpleasant physical sensations by keeping it occupied with more interesting things.

Crabby recently saw an article somewhere that said no, don't do this! The theory was that you'll be lazy and slow down if you're not paying enough attention. But Crabby says, screw that, go right ahead! Especially if you're on a treadmill--just set it for whatever pace you want to keep, and if you get too distracted you'll go flying off the back--THWACK--into the wall or the machine behind you. If you don't kill yourself or break anything, you'll eventually learn to keep your legs pumping even if your brain is miles away!

Note: Crabby doesn't use the distraction method herself. Her brain seems to be built to do only one thing at at time. So unless it's an easy walk (which she enjoys anyway) all she can think is This Sucks This Sucks This Sucks. So to make it Not Suck, she has to use this next method:

2. Enhancement.

This method Crabby thinks of as the "Rock out with it" strategy. Accept the fact that you are exercising and make it, to the extent possible, fun! We all probably have different ways of doing this, but for Crabby, there are three essential requirements: Great Music, A Large Dose of Caffeine, and Rhythmic Motion in time to the music. (Beautiful scenery is nice too, but is strangely enough, not as crucial). With these in place, it is possible for Crabby to achieve an altered state in which exertion is transformed into exhilaration, or at least becomes way less miserable.

For optimal altered states, a certain amount of bouncy up-and-down motion seems to be helpful. (And she does not mean this in a dirty way! Please!) An elliptical trainer works best for Crabby, because she pretty much abuses it: she launches herself up unnecessarily high with each step, so that it becomes more like a "ride" than a piece of exercise equipment. Dancey aerobic classes are also great for this--the music and leaping are all part of the package. Running is also not bad, especially outside where it's pretty.

Unfortunately, race-walking is a way down on the list for Crabby. But it's what she mostly does because of her knees. She misses her old step aerobics classes and her morning runs, and has to be careful when she has access to elliptical machines not to overuse them. Crabby wonders if perhaps a mini trampoline or a pogo stick may be in her future?

So what about you folks: Are you "natural" aerobic exercisers who love it no matter what? Do you avoid it entirely? Are you a "Distractor" or an "Enhancer" or some combination? Or are there other cool strategies Crabby is completely overlooking?

CrabApple Confusion!

The Crab has landed! However, she will need a day or so to get settled and caught up, so she is sorry to send you away, once again, for a Guest Post elsewhere.

Have you all discovered Mark's Daily Apple yet? It is a great health site full of much more information than Crabby ever manages to find about anything. However, the site is also frequented by people who are Very Serious about Health, and Crabby finds herself somewhat intimidated when she visits. If you go over yesterday's guest post by the Crab, you can marvel as Crabby attempts to justify her Use of Splenda and Eating of Cupcakes to folks who actually enjoy their big salads every day!

Crabby will, she hopes, be back with a "real" post soon! Thank you all for your patience.

In Flight Entertainment

Sorry, this is not a real post. But Crabby didn't want to turn the lights off entirely at Cranky Fitness as she makes her way to D.C. for the start of her East Coast adventure.

As it happens, Crabby hates flying, so she will not be enjoying the journey all that much. She'll be counting down the minutes and gripping the armrests tightly in order to keep the plane aloft. (Silly pilots think they fly the planes, but really, it is all the nervous flyers back in the cabin who are doing all the work. If any one of us were to relax for a moment--fooom! However, don't worry, we take our responsibilities seriously. There will be no relaxing).

People sometimes give Crabby advice on how to deal with her "fear of flying." However, she doesn't feel that her fear is the problem. The problem is that every now and then, a plane crashes. That's the problem! Just invent planes that never, ever, ever crash--then Crabby will have no fear of flying. The argument that "well, you're even more likely to get killed during the cab ride to the airport" is, strangely enough, not helpful. It just makes Crabby that much more aware of the fact that the cabbie is driving 30 mph over the speed limit and cutting people off right and left and has permanently disabled the seatbelts.

So here are some totally silly things that made Crabby giggle over the last week or so. Since this is Not Really a Post, she'll just throw them around without worrying whether they're health-related or not.

Remember earlier we were talking about sweet little Oscar, the kitty who would cuddle up to dying nursing home patients, as though somehow he "knew it was time?" Well, via Chicken Girl, Mental Floss has the goods on Oscar. (Note: this is dark and weirdly delicious LOLcat humor, something the Crab was unfamiliar with until recently. She is still somewhat bewildered by it all, but she is nonetheless amused).

And in another Cat related post, Lady Rose over Diet Pulpit has a great diet suggestion--and don't worry, it doesn't involve feasting on felines.

This last link isn't cat related unless one wants to get really crude about anatomical slang expressions. We won't. Note, however: this commercial parody is a bit Raunchy, Juvenile, and is possibly Not Safe for Work depending on how uptight your workplace is. It is also Not New. Many of you may have seen it on TV already, but Crabby hadn't. (And it has the word hygiene in it, so Crabby is counting it as "health related.")

You are now free to move about the blogosphere.

Aging Gracefully?

So we were recently talking about the possibility of living for hundreds and hundreds of years without aging. Someday, maybe. But for now, we do age--and as we do, our faces tend to age with us.

In fact, over at the Age Project, they have a fun parlor game you can play. Random faces pop up, and you guess how old these people are. Then you compare your answer to the guesses of others, as well as to the person's actual age. Sometimes, you're close or exactly right! Other times, you're way, way off. More faces pop up, and you see if you're getting any better at it. Crabby was pretty hopeless.

You can even submit your own photo and have complete strangers guess how old you look!

Crabby would rather eat a case of Depends.

Part of the reason Crabby was so inept at the guessing game was that she kept overestimating how old everyone was. She figured: no one would send in a photo unless they were a 50 year-old who looked 38, or 42 year-old who looked 29, or a 15 year-old who looked 24. "Fishing for compliments" was the only motivation that made sense to her.

But there were middle-aged people who looked older than their actual years, yet they submitted a picture anyway! Crabby was amazed.

However, her amazement only served to reveal an embarrassing fact about her: she has some very screwed up ideas about Looking Old.

Crabby knows how superficial it is--what counts is on the inside. She doesn't think "younger is better." It's not just a cliche that age brings wisdom--you really do get smarter about life once you've been around a few decades.

And she's not a vain Crab, she swears! She wears jeans and T-shirts and shuns make-up. No one would mistake her for Fabulous even if she had the smooth dewy skin of a teenaged beauty contestant.

So why does she care that she's looking older?

And she is. Crabby was not blessed with youthful looking genes to begin with, and she spent many of her formative years frolicking in the California sun before anyone knew what SPF meant. She looks older than she is and way older than she feels and she hates that.

As a young Crab, she used to think women who cared so much about their wrinkles were so superficial. They should be proud of their years! And the idea that some women would actually have surgery to look younger seemed outrageous. How could they be so silly! Who cares about looking young?

Then... Crabby got a bit older herself.

And she can't figure out what's wrong with her brain! Why does she care that she looks like a grown-up? Sure, contemporary cultural attitudes devalue women over 40. But since when does Crabby give a crap what contemporary culture thinks about anything?

Would Crabby buy Coors lite instead of Fat Tire Amber Ale just because more people think Coors Lite tastes better? Of course not. Those people are just wrong!

But sadly, while Crabby hasn't internalized societal beer preferences, she seems to have internalized its aversion to aging. She looks in the mirror and instead of appreciating originality and bite and nuance and complexity, all of a sudden she just wants to be watery Coors Lite again.

Would Crabby be willing to go under a scalpel to achieve Coors Lite? No. But mostly that's because she's very afraid of scalpels. There are other less invasive procedures now, still expensive and arguably silly and yet... she sometimes finds her eyes lingering on the ads with the "before" and "after" pictures. She no longer makes the judgments she used to about people who retreat to clinics for a week or two and come back "restored." (Although she certainly thinks there is such a thing as Overdoing it). She understands a little better now.

She hopes she grows out of this, by the way.

So is Crabby the only one who's struggling with this issue? Or are you all much more serene and sensible when it comes to aging gracefully? Do you youngsters think you'll ever be this silly? And what about guys? Do men give a hoot how old they look, or is this mostly a female preoccupation?


(Cartoon courtesy of Nataliedee)

Cranky Fitness, On the Move!

In one sense, Cranky Fitness is "on the move" because Crabby has a guest post over at Diet Blog today. Sorry for the extra click! Crabby hopes you dial-up people will forgive her these inconvenient blog relocations.

The post over there is about Eco-Running. Crabby hadn't heard of it, but she found out about it over at Crunchy 'Nana's! (For those of you who frequent the Comments section, that's the very fine blog hosted by "Norabarnacle."

But Cranky Fitness is also "on the move" in the sense that its author, Crabby McSlacker, is physically relocating for a few months. The blog itself will stay put, but Crabby, who has been mostly a West Coast Crab, will be joining the long-suffering Lobster in Washington D.C.!

The Lobster is actually more of a Go-Getter than the Crab, and has Gone and Gotten herself a consulting gig involving Managerial and Technological Things that Crabby's tiny crab brain can't entirely comprehend. But the bottom line is: an exciting adventure for the Crab! New neighborhoods, new stores, new restaurants, new exercise routines, new time zones, new weather--all kinds of Bright Shiny Newness!

However, as a McSlacker, Crabby is easily overwhelmed by anything resembling a "task" or a "chore." Transitions of any sort tend to involve them. So there may be a few interruptions in service. She apologizes. She is hoping to bring in occasional Guest Posts, so that even when Crabby is McSlacking, or Taking Care of Things, the lights will still be on most days at Cranky Fitness.

By the way, she hears it is hot and humid in D.C. during the summer. Crabs do not cope well with hot and humid! Perhaps it is an instinctive fear of being thrown into boiling pots of water. Any advice from those who are used to it will be helpful.

She is also curious about whether her readers like to Move Around every now and then or whether they prefer to Stay Put?

Anyway, Crabby leaves Wednesday morning. There will be a post tomorrow (it was the one she accidentally deleted a few days ago), but there may be some Slackitude mid-week until Crabby gets settled. Please keep checking in, frequently, obsessively even--because you know she will soon be back! She misses you all too much when she is gone. And if posting is a bit more "relaxed" over the late summer and early fall, and rest assured Crabby is feeling very badly about it.

Any comments about Eco-Running, Adventures, Chores, Transitions, or Any Damn Thing at All are of course always appreciated.