On Being an Outsider

 

This is just a quick post, because we just moved to San Diego, yay! But this means there are a ton of items on our To-Do list. And while it's tempting to quietly shift them to our Let's Pretend We'll Get Right On That list, they are things that actually need to get done. Whereas writing a blog post for a handful of readers with better things to do? That doesn't fit on any sensible list.

Yet somehow here we are.

Anyway, so for a few days my feeds kept adamantly pointing me to an Atlantic article about the upside of not fitting in, explaining all the nifty benefits that come from being an outsider. The underlying article is four years old, so I'm not sure why they were pushing it, other than that they somehow sensed I needed something to blog about.

I actually agreed to the premise, in theory... yet something about it stuck in my craw. I seem to be someone with a very sticky craw, given the number of things that accumulate in there. (Note: I went to double check what a craw was and discovered that all these years I'd had it wrong! It's a pouch in the throat that certain birds use to aid in digestion. I'd somehow always pictured a large Crow clutching something in its Claw.  Crow + Claw = Craw.  It's unsettling to realize one has reached one's sixties with kindergartner's understanding of a common expression for something not sitting quite right).

So what did the article say about the benefits of being an Outsider and what made me grumpy about it?

 The Benefits of Not Fitting In

 Let's go ahead and quote the Atlantic, because I'm lazy:

The loneliness, the self-doubt, the sense that everyone else has the map except you: Those are often signs that you’re stretching, not failing. Over time, Brooks writes, outsiders tend to grow more resilient and emotionally strong—not in spite of the discomfort, but because of it.

Outsiders, Olga Khazan wrote in 2020, are freer to question assumptions, break rules, and imagine alternatives, because they’ve already learned what it feels like to stand apart. She draws on social-science research showing that people who feel excluded are often better at original thinking, precisely because they’re less bound by group norms.

Well sure, that makes sense. The underlying article goes on to suggest you jet off on a sabbatical in a foreign country, or at least go to a different gym or church, to reap the benefits of an outsider's perspective.

Why I Call Bullshit 

So yeah, not fitting in does shape you in ways that can be beneficial later on. But whether this is a good thing or a bad thing depends a lot on how and why you don't fit in, doesn't it?

For example, the author of the original article, Arthur C. Brooks, mentions that he's biased, because he too was an outsider! He was put on academic probation in art school, and so instead went to Spain in his twenties to play the French horn. He had to learn the language and he did not fit in for a while. He later came back to the U.S. and became a Harvard professor and has written a bunch of self help/personal growth books. For him it was a very enriching experience despite being difficult at first.

And so yeah, I can relate: being a privileged white person voluntarily pursuing adventures in a foreign country comes with a bit of discomfort! Especially if you don't already speak the language. And it does come with all sorts of long term benefits, if you choose to cultivate them. I could (and probably will) write a whole post about these.

But I think what gets me a little riled is the way the article seems to trivialize what it really means to be an outsider involuntarily. To be not just different, but marginalized, condemned, bullied, excluded, oppressed.

Whether or not it ultimately makes you more of a creative thinker, I don't think anyone should feel they need to live a full "outsider" experience.

Risking your life to flee war, poverty, torture, famine and disease only to end up in a country that doesn't want you, who treats you as less than human? Being born with disabilities, or being neurodivergent, or being the "wrong" race or religion, or being gay or trans in the wrong time or place?

Yes, in the long run these struggles can make you an independent thinker! But bullying and discrimination and ostracism can lead to low self esteem, chronic stress, even suicide, and a whole lot of other shitty outcomes as well. And this may be a stretch, but promoting the idea that people's experience of being excluded and discriminated against is really, in the long run, good for them? I think it's a bit problematic during times like these where bigotry and white supremacy and other forms of intolerance are so prevalent and politically powerful.

The Bottom Line: Compassion 

So there's so much more to say about Being an Outsider, versus Feeling Like You Belong. Another day maybe. But I think one of the best outcomes one can have from feeling on the outside is understanding what it's like for other outsiders.

I don't think it's necessarily inevitable. Have you noticed how many people who are oppressed or ostracized or bullied will turn right around and vicimize others? Just think of how many mass shootings have resulted from that dynamic. But for many of us who have at one point been seen as Undesirable Others, it's worthwhile to keep remembering what that feels like, and be mindful that there are always ousiders in our midst who may be struggling, and to lend a hand or an ear or a shoulder to cry on or whatever body part might be appropriate.

Are You, Or Have You Ever Been An Outsider? 

My experience living in a foreign country feels fairly trivial on the scale of Outsiderness. On the other hand, growing up gay in the '60s and '70s felt much more impactful, although ultimately it has brought more joy than trauma, somewhat validating the premise of the article. And my neurotic, introverted, weirdo personality has also made me feel a bit like an alien at times, but a stubborn alien who doesn't necessarily want to assimilate with normal humans. 

There are lots of ways of being an outsider, of feeling excluded. You may feel conspicuous, or, almost as bad somehow: invisible. Perhaps you're a woman in a male dominated profession. Or a Muslim in a conservative Christian neighborhood. A Yankees fan living in Boston. There are lots of ways of not fitting in.

How about you guys? Have you ever felt like you didn't belong? Was that a good thing or a bad thing for you?